Nicole Hampton on Grief

I don’t know when I realized my brother was going to die; there’s no distinct memory of my parents sitting me down with fake smiles and teary eyes. But, it wasn’t something I was consciously aware of my whole life. Somewhere along the way, I understood this without being told, largely due to three things: the crises, the gradual decline, and the extraneous information. 

The crises were sporadic and inconsistent, ranging in severity and time. It was his first seizure, and though the details are muddled, a clear image sticks with me: my mom cradling him on the floor of our foyer against the sounds of ambulances coming from the station a block away, their red lights glaring against the night windows. The word “first” is important, as seizures became constant afflictions; by the end, he seemed to be having a seizure more days than not.

Then there was the gradual decline, where everything slowly got worse. He went from running to walking to standing to a wheelchair to confined to a hospital bed at the house. The weekly infusions shifted from the hospital to our home, and Hospice joined our household. Instead of chewing, he had mushed foods.  A tube ran up his nose to help him breathe. His infectious smile and joyous laughter became less and less common, and we wondered what he still understood. 

Finally, there was the extraneous information: things my parents didn’t tell me directly, but were bubbling in the background. It was when I finally learned the medical name for his condition – Mucopolysaccharidosis II, not just Hunter syndrome – and could appease my Googling tendencies to find the WebMD page: “Unlikely to reach adulthood.” It was when I came downstairs to my mom on the couch, saving photos of my brother to a folder on her computer “to prepare.” (These photos would come in handy; she was just a few years early.) It was my dad telling my sister and me that we needed to be careful, staying out of our brother’s room when we had a runny nose or cough, because he “probably won’t make it” if he got sick. It was when people my parents hadn’t spoken to in years sent us meals and flowers with cards full of condolences in the final days. 

Those moments were the worst, because it was the world confirming what was visible to me in other ways. If everything said he was going to die, there was no way to avoid that reality. 

Even though all these signs were pointing to the inevitable curtain closing, it was still a surprise. As they say, everyone is immortal until proven otherwise. We all knew it was coming, but it had been coming for years – and every other time things got tough, he pulled through. 

But I don’t focus on those things. I remember him at his happiest. Going to Disney World when he met his heroes: Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Laying squished next to him in his bed, watching Max and Ruby – my favorite of his TV shows. The house ever busy, a comfortable hum of his movie, his nurse, and the medical machinery in his room. 

But the good and the bad are so intertwined. We were in Disney World because it was his Make-A-Wish. His bed was a hospital bed and he was 16 watching children’s cartoons. The house was busy because he couldn’t be alone and he needed constant care. 

Still, though, there is happiness in every memory because he was there.